Long (ish) Jokes.

[Kiwidave4]

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents.

When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door.

The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father".

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here".

The teacher said, "Johnny, why is your grammar so bad?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go and bail her out again."

[nheather]

As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at the funeral for a Traffic Warden suddenly there is banging and shouts coming from inside.

 

"Let me out, let me out, I'm not dead"

 

The vicar smiles, leans forward and whispers into the coffin

 

"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[nheather]

Farmer Tom is in the middle of ploughing a field when his tractor breaks down.  He tries to fix it but no joy and he must get the field finished today.

 

"I know I'll go and ask my old mate Farmer Bob, he is sure to help"

 

Tom and Bob are neighbours and have been firm friends since childhood, there is nothing they won't do for each other.

 

But Tom is a natural worrier and as he walks over to Bob's farm he ponders.

 

"What if Bob can't fix it"

"Well I could ask to borrow his tractor"

"But what if he is using it"

"What if he's lent it to someone else"

"What if he just doesn't want to lend it to me"

"What if …. What if …. What if …."

 

Eventually he arrives at Bob's farmhouse and knocks on the door.  After a short while the door opens.

 

Bob: "Hello Tom, lovely to see you, fancy coming across for a bite to eat and drink tonight.   Anyway, what brings you over, how can I help"

 

Tom "You can stuff your tractor up your bottom!"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[Mick4350]

Teacher. What is the chemical formula for water ?

 

Donald. H I J K L M N O.

 

Teacher. What are you talking about ?

 

Donald. Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[Spookytooth]

An elderly couple were sitting in church on Sunday morning, listening to the Vicar`s Sermon.
The old lady passes her Husband a note.
"My dearest husband, I have let a quiet fart go, what should I do ?"
The husband read the letter , turned it over and wrote.
:
" My wonderful wife, I suggest that you get some new batteries for your hearing Aid"

 

Simon.

[Mick4350]

The only thing that flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

 

To the thief that took my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy !

[Spookytooth]

I went to a night club the other night.

Great fun, they played the twist, and I did the twist.

They played Jump, and I jumped.

They played Come on Eileen, and I am now barred from that club for life !

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

It’s the First World War, and Queen Mary is visiting the troops at a field hospital behind the lines.  She sits down next to one soldier lying on a bed with his foot heavily bandaged and up on a hoist.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Trench foot, ma’am,” he replies.

“I say, that sounds dreadful.  What treatment are they giving you?”

“Wire brush an’ Dettol, ma’am.”

“And what is your dearest wish?”

“To return to the front and carry on serving my country, ma’am.”

“Jolly good.”

 

She comes to the next bed, where a soldier is lying down on his front.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Haemorrhoids, ma’am,” he replies.

“Oh, how perfectly awful.  What treatment are they giving you?”

“Wire brush an’ Dettol, ma’am.”

“And what is your dearest wish?”

“To return to the front and carry on serving my country, ma’am.”

“Jolly good.”

 

She comes to the next bed, where a soldier has both legs covered in dressings.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Gangrene, ma’am,” he replies.

“Oh, you poor man.  What treatment are they giving you?”

“Wire brush an’ Dettol, ma’am.”

“And what is your dearest wish?”

“To return to the front and carry on serving my country, ma’am.”

“Jolly good.”

 

She comes to the next bed, where a soldier is sitting up with his jaw tightly bandaged.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Dreadful toothache, ma’am,” he replies.

“Oh, bad luck - but I do know the treatment for that.  So tell me, what is your dearest wish?”

“To get to the wire brush an’ Dettol before them other buggers!”

[Kiwidave4]

An Aussie lady holidaying in the UK came down for dinner in the hotel where she was staying. She was given a table next to one where three ex-Army officer types were seated.

As she perused the menu she could not help but overhear the conversation from the adjacent table.

"I definitely recall it was Tooooooooowooooooomba", said one of the gents.

"No, no, no!" said the second, "It was more like Toowoombaaaaah."

"Poppycock." exclaimed the third, "I clearly remember it as Toowooooombar."

 

The Aussie lady listened to this for a while and then turned in her chair and said, "Fair Dinkum youse blokes, its flaming Toowoomba."

 

At this there was a stunned silence while the three gents looked in surprise at the lady.

 

Then one of them adjusted his monocle, cleared his throat, and announced, "Madam, we doubt you have ever seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one break wind underwater."

[Admiral Puff]

11 minutes ago, Kiwidave4 said:

 

Then one of them adjusted his monocle, cleared his throat, and announced, "Madam, we doubt you have ever seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one break wind underwater."

But no doubt she'd seen Toowoomba, which is about the equivalent ...

[Kiwidave4]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

[Kiwidave4]

Doctor was addressing a meeting about healthy eating.

 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the stomach lining. Some Asian foods contain high levels of MSG,

high fat diets are harmful, and long term damage is caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous, and most of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me

what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

After a short pause an elderly man in the front row put up his hand and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

 

[Spookytooth]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!

Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

 

Simon.

Edited June 11, 2019 by Spookytooth

[GordonD]

Of course for every birthday before his 18th, the boy was too young to be taken to the pub. On his fifteenth birthday his dad came in and said, "Happy Birthday, son! I've got you a lovely present!"

 

And the boy replied, "Let me guess - it's another bleedin' hat!"

[Tzulscha]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.

They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,

told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Tzulscha]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon...."

[Kiwidave4]

Two archaeologists were exploring a remote mountainous region when they came upon a huge rocky mass that resembled the statue of a sitting man. 

 

It was about 100 metres high, and appeared to have accurate details right down to fingernails.

 

"Looks real enough to talk to", said the first archaeologist, jokingly.

 

"Lets try", said the second, and turning to the statue said, "Whats your name?"

 

There was no reply, so he tried with "How old are you?"

 

Still no reply, so the second one asks, "Whats the square root of 64?"

 

For a moment nothing happened, then there was a loud rumbling, the ground started shaking, and slowly the statue rose to its feet, towering above the men it 

put one hand on its chin, gazed into the distance for a few seconds, and then said, "Eight."

 

"Aha", said the first archeologist, "It only stands to reason."

 

 

[jenko]

Dave.. you should be banned from this site with a joke like that.

 

Does your carer know you have escaped and gone native???

 

Dick 

 

Please mods can we have a groan emoji ??????????????????????   ASAP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Admiral Puff]

10 hours ago, jenko said:

Dave.. you should be banned from this site with a joke like that.

 

Does your carer know you have escaped and gone native???

 

Dick 

 

Please mods can we have a groan emoji ??????????????????????   ASAP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seconded - both motions ...

[stevehnz]

@jenko & @Admiral Puff, don't be so curmudgeonly, embrace your inner 14 year old like I do, I love these threads, especially @Kiwidave4's word plays. Good for my soul.

Steve.

[jenko]

19 minutes ago, stevehnz said:

@jenko & @Admiral Puff, don't be so curmudgeonly, embrace your inner 14 year old like I do, I love these threads, especially @Kiwidave4's word plays. Good for my soul.

Steve.

For the record Dave comes out with some of the best humour on here and cleverly done.  BUT …………………………………………………………………………….. we still need s groan emoji …………. and a dam big one at that.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Dick

[stevehnz]

OK, as long as its a groan with a wink, sort of thing, I'm cool.

Steve.

[GordonD]

SF writer Spider Robinson, who has concocted some stonkers in his time, has said that the ultimate accolade for a pun is to hold your nose and run screaming out into the night.

[Kiwidave4]

16 hours ago, stevehnz said:

@jenko & @Admiral Puff, don't be so curmudgeonly, embrace your inner 14 year old like I do, I love these threads, especially @Kiwidave4's word plays. Good for my soul.

Steve.

Thanks Steve, good to know that I am amusing someone!😉

[Admiral Puff]

17 hours ago, stevehnz said:

@jenko & @Admiral Puff, don't be so curmudgeonly, embrace your inner 14 year old like I do, I love these threads, especially @Kiwidave4's word plays. Good for my soul.

Steve.

Trouble is, if he gets any worse he'll be down to my level ...