Long (ish) Jokes.

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

A Televangelist a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

[nheather]

A very drunk Paddy met up a prostitute up a dark alleyway.

 

He asks "How much for full sex", "£20" she replies.

 

"OK" says Paddy and they get down to business.

 

Next minute a cop appears and shines a torch in their faces "Hello, what's going on here then" he asks.

 

"Nothing Officer, just having sex with my wife" say Paddy.

 

"Sorry Sir" apologises the cop, "I didn't realise it was your wife"

 

Paddy shouts "Neither did I till you shone your torch in her fecking face"

 

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

[Black Knight]

BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO'S

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends....

Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, and twice yesterday. So please warn all the men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

[Tzulscha]

**** Marvin - Christine Nelson ****

(To the tune of Funiculi, funicula)

Some think.. that kids should be in bed by seven..
and so do I.. and so do I!
But Marvin.. won't go to bed before eleven..
he starts to cry.. and so do I!

One time, I thought I'd try to slip a mickey.. 
into his juice.. his orange juice!
I tried! But, oh, that kid is really tricky..
He switched the glass, so whats the use!

Marvin! Marvin! You're a rotten kid!
Marvin! Marvin! Be like your brother Sid!
I'm getting grey, so go away.. now, just for once, do what I say!
Go and play in traffic.. don't come back 'till Saturday!

(So, go and play in traffic.. don't come back 'till Saturday!)

Some think.. that raising kids is so bucolic..
I always did.. I really did!
With Marvin.. I could become an alcoholic..
I almost did.. but he's my kid!

We bought.. a car for him to ride to school in..
a Jag-u-ar, is that bizarre?
Then he.. insisted that we put a pool in..
not in the yard, but in the car!

Marvin! Marvin! You're a rotten kid!
Marvin! Marvin! I'm gonna flip my lid!
Its such a sin, its such a crime.. you're just so rotten all the time!
I wish that I could sell you, but I wouldn't get a dime!

(I wish that I could sell you, but I wouldn't get a dime!)

Some think.. that kids, today, are awfully thankless..
You ask me why? I'll tell you why!
It stems from.. the fact, today, that kids are spankless..
And yet they cry, oh, how they cry!

We try.. to buy him everything we're able..
We bought him clothes.. a brand-new nose!
.. Marvin! get out from underneath the table..
Your brand-new nose.. just ripped my hose!

Marvin! Marvin! You're a rotten kid!
Marvin! Marvin! look at what you did!
Don't break my heart, do as you're told.. you know your mommy hates to scold!
Stop chewing on your teddy-bear.. you're twenty-eight years old!!

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

Santa was nervous.

It was time for his annual check ride and he was waiting for 'The Trapper' to arrive.

5 minutes later he duly arrived and without further ado got down to business.

His interim questions were ok and he seemed happy with the walkaround.

As they boarded the sleigh and prepared for take off, Santa noticed the trapper take a shotgun from his bag.

'What's that for? he asks.

'Oh,in case I decide to give you an engine failure on take off.'

[Aardvark]

 

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr.[_] Mrs.[_] Ms.[_] Miss[_] Lt. [_] Gen.[_] Comrade[_]Classified[_] Other
First Name:..................................................... 
Initial: ........
Last Name:..................................................... 
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...............................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /....... 

4. Serial Number:................................................. 

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally 
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc.. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic (or Republican)
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? 
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: 

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

 

😁😁

 

 

B.R.

Serge

 

P.S.

Repost from:

http://www.b737.org.uk/mddquestionaire.htm

....They say it is a very old joke, but I saw it in the Russian version only today .... maybe someone sees it for the first time too?

 

Edited November 20, 2018 by Aardvark

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"

The man tells him, "About $200 a week."

The CEO pulls out his wallet and hands the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"

One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."

[thorfinn]

On 5/18/2018 at 5:41 PM, Tzulscha said:

Rules of Etiquette for Rednecks:

(please note, these rules apply to AMERICAN rednecks. Your own local rules may vary)

 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

'At's wrong.

Ya always take two beers to a job interview...cos it's rude not ta offer one to the guy what's interviewing you. Anybody knows that....

[Kiwidave4]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.

The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. 

The old explorer said, "Once I was in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me.

Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled.

The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself". 

The reporter said "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same". 

The old explorer said "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

Secret to a long Marriage

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.  Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,
'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife
quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule
stumbled the third time.  My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket
and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the
mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."

[Rob G]

6 hours ago, Scimitar said:

Secret to a long Marriage

 

Because of the unequal way in which the world is, if you told that joke with the roles reversed, you'd be crucified. This way, it's (apparently) funny. The other way, it's demeaning, sexist and violent. (I'm not in the least offended BTW, just saying how the world would see it.)

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

Not sure how to respond to that.

It was posted as a joke ..end of story.

 

My version of a long relationship is that I am too mean to give away half of my pension.

[Artie]

-Good evening, John......just a question...Do you do everything your wife tells you to do...????

-Of course NO, Jim...who do you think I am?

-Well, that's the man ... !!!! She shall learn who's wearing the trousers....!!!

-I do not have enough time, you moron...!!!

[JohnT]

After hearing about the passing of Windsor Davies today who - for the benefit of non British television watching members here -  acted the part of a British Army Sergeant Major in a television comedy about an army concert party entertaining the troops in WW2  I came across this which attempts to define and describe army ranks:-

 

For the best definition of a WW2 British Sergeant Major read this from the Union Jack. The Army Newspaper of the Day:-

 

GENERAL-- Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, More powerful than a Steam engine, Faster than a speeding bullet, Gives policy to God!

COLONEL-- Leaps short buildings with a single bound, More powerful than a shunting engine, Is just as fast as a speeding bullet, Walks on water (If the sea is calm), Talks with God!

LIEUTENANT COLONEL-- Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds, Is almost as powerful as a speeding bullet, Walks on water in indoor swimming pools, Talks with God if special request is approved.

MAJOR-- Barely clears a Nissen hut, Loses tug-of-war with a steam engine, Can fire a speeding bullet & swims well, Is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN--Makes high marks when trying to leap tall buildings, Is run over by trains, Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, Dog paddles, Talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT-- Runs into tall buildings, Recognises trains 2 out of 3 times, Is not issued with ammunition, Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a lifejacket, Talks to walls.

2nd LIEUTENANT-- Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter buildings, Says "Look at Choo Choo" Is NEVER issued with a gun or ammunition, Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself.

SERGEANT MAJOR--  Lifts tall buildings & walks under them, Kicks steam engines off the track, Catches speeding bullets in his teeth & eats them, Freezes water with a single glance.... HE IS GOD!

 

 

[nheather]

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah, go for it!"
"Woman below?"
"Sure, that's normal!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!”
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing."

 

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[Bullbasket]

A Royal Engineers RSM was giving a lecture to a new intake of subalterns and was getting a bit of grief from one in particular, interrupting and correcting him. But he persevered.

“Today we are going to look at wood used for construction. The most common being the hoak, the hash and the helm”.

Straight away the trouble maker spoke up saying “Sarn't Major, surely you mean the oak, the ash and the elm”.

Gritting his teeth, the RSM continued, frequently getting interrupted until finally, his patience exhausted he announced “We're now going to discuss piles for piers, and before that clever gentleman in the front row says anything, I do mean piles for piers, and not haemorrhoids for the haristocracy!”

[Spookytooth]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that's why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone...

 

Simon.

[nheather]

Two women on a bus are fighting bitterly over who should get the last available seat.

 

The conductor had already tried to intervene but all his reasonings had failed.

 

Finally the driver shouts back to the conductor “Let the ugly one have it”.

 

Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

 

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

Edited February 8, 2019 by nheather

[Bigdave22014]

Ah Valentines day...

I remember last year. Took her out for a nice meal. We returned home and got into bed.

She rolled towards me and whispered in my ear "It's a very special night. Is there anything you'd like to do to my body?

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the correct answer...

[Kiwidave4]

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption centre called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "Why do you want to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him".

[pigsty]

A young woman’s husband dies and leaves her the farm in his will.  It turns out to be far too much for her to manage on her own, so she decides to advertise for a farmhand to help her out.  The best candidate turns out to be a young man who’s terribly shy, but she can see something in him that makes her wonder if her lonely life might one day be over.

 

He works like a demon, day and night.  Within weeks the farm is not only back to normal, but more profitable than it had ever been.  The animals are all happy and the corn is as high as an elephant’s eye.  The new farmhand has hardly said a word, though, and he’s not taken a minute off in all that time.  And his employer thinks, she hardly knows anything about him, even though he’s been around all that time.

 

Eventually the woman takes him to one side.  “Look,” she says, “everything round her is running brilliantly, yet you’ve hardly had any rest.  Why don’t you take the evening off?  There’s a great bar down in the town, I think you’ll like it there.”  “Alright,” he says, and after supper he’s off.

 

He comes back in the wee small hours and is surprised to see his employer is still up.  He goes in and finds her stretched out languidly on the sofa.  “At last, you’re back,” she says.  “Now, why don’t you take off my boots?”

He swallows, then takes off her boots.

 

“That’s good,” she says.  “Now, take off my blouse.”

He hesitates, then takes off her blouse.

 

“Now, take off my tights.”

He rubs his hands dry, then takes off her tights.

 

“And now my bra.”

He coughs, then takes off her bra.

 

“Now,” she says, “if you ever go into town wearing my clothes again, you’re fired.”

[GordonD]

Reminds me of the elderly farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his young wife.

 

So he sacked them all and bought a combine harvester.