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A farmer goes to the fields on a freezing cold morning to tend to his cows.

As a approaches the cows just stand still and look at him instead of coming to feed and he realises the cows

are frozen on the spot and can't move.

All of a sudden, a shaft of light comes down to the fields. As the light gets closer the farmer sees there is an angel in it.

The angel touches each each cow, and as she does the cows run free.

Amazed the farmer says to the angel, "Who are you?" 

The angel replies, "Thora Hird".

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There is a massive flood and a religious man is on the roof of his house.

A man rows past and says 'Get in'

'No' says the man on the roof,'God will grant me a miracle'

The water continues to rise and is up to the man's knees.

Another boat comes along but he refuses to get into it saying 'I am a man of faith and God will grant me a miracle'

By this time the water is up to the man's waist then a third boat comes along and he still refuses to get in and still insists God will grant him a miracle.

The flood water is now up to his neck when a helicopter arrives and drops down a rope ladder.

He refuses to climb it as he still believes God will grant him a miracle.

The water covers him and he drowns.

 

On arrival at the pearly gates he starts shouting at St Peter.

'I am a man of deep faith and trusted in God but you let me drown,all my beliefs are now gone!

St Peter replied 'We sent three boats and a helicopter..what more did you want?'

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2 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said:

A farmer goes to the fields on a freezing cold morning to tend to his cows.

As a approaches the cows just stand still and look at him instead of coming to feed and he realises the cows

are frozen on the spot and can't move.

All of a sudden, a shaft of light comes down to the fields. As the light gets closer the farmer sees there is an angel in it.

The angel touches each each cow, and as she does the cows run free.

Amazed the farmer says to the angel, "Who are you?" 

The angel replies, "Thora Hird".

*Groan*:doh:

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

Simon.

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Bloke went into a bar with a giraffe. They each sat on a barstool and the man started ordering beers for the pair of them.

 

After quite a few beers had been drunk the giraffe slid off the barstool and spread out on the floor, all legs and neck.

 

The man finished his last beer, and started to head for the door.

 

"Oi!", said the barman, "You cant leave that lying here."

 

The bloke looked puzzled and said, "Its a giraffe".

 

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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by Piddling and moaning.

 

Simon.

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A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" 
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!" 
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life." 
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" 
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.

 

Simon.A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" 
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!" 
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life." 
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" 
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.

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On 28/01/2018 at 5:56 PM, Spookytooth said:

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

I know a similar one where the man is accompanied by an ostrich and a dwarf who won't get his round in, but it's far too rude to tell here.

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Jürgen Klopp the Liverpool manger flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left themanger gives
the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.The fans
are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says ' I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they
call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his Mum, let me tell you about my day ....
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted,she would have been
raped but for a passing police vehicle.
Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me 
that you were having a great time!!'
The young lad is very upset,'What can I say Mum, but I'am really sorry'

SORRY!! SORRY!! says his Mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place'

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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Auld Jock had been a religious man all his life. When rushed into hospital his family called a preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Jock's condition appeared to worsen and he motioned frantically for something to write on. He was lovingly handed a pen and paper and Jock used his last gasp of energy to scribble a note which he handed to the preacher and then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at the time and placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy he realised that he was wearing the same jacket as he had at the hospital. 

He said "You know, Auld Jock handed me a wee note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Auld Jock I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all"

He opened the note and read out loud "Hi minister. Yer staundin oan ma oxygen"

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A ventriloquist was advised by his doctor to take a break so he found a little farmhouse that did bed & breakfast and booked in for a week. On his first day the farmer and his son were showing him round the farm and he decided to have a little fun with the simple country folk. So when they went into the cowshed the ventriloquist spoke to one of the cows.

 

"Hello, Daisy!" he said. "How do you like living on the farm?" And he threw his voice and made the cow reply, "Well, it's fine most of the time. I just wish the farmer would warm his hands before he starts milking me!"

 

The farmer and his son were utterly astonished by this and as they left the cowshed the ventriloquist could hear them whispering. Next they went into the henhouse, and the ventriloquist did it again. He asked one of the hens, "How do you like living on the farm?" and made it reply, "I'm not happy at all - how would you like it if somebody kept coming and taking your children away?" More whispering between the farmer and his son.

 

Now they were walking towards the field where the sheep were kept. The farmer's son was looking nervous and when they reached the gate he suddenly turned round and said, "If that lamb says anything, it's a bloody liar!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is a collection of funny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries:

  • Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  • Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.
  • Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
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Paddy went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

Paddy said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box.”

Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

Paddy replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

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  • 3 weeks later...

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the An Bord Pleannala for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the DSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "..........the Irish Government beat me to it!"

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  • 4 weeks later...

country-bumpkin in da army

Writing Home From Kapooka Army Camp

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is
better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick
before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed
until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves
to feed, no feed to stack-nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to
see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the
city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'root march' just like
walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for
shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and
it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when
our bull got their cow pregnant before the Easter Show. Alls ya gotta do is
make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of cake. You don't
even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz
they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and
Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6
foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the
end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter, Sally
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Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."

 

Simon.

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The Pope is on a visit to the UK and has had a rough week of meeting Politicians so he decided to go to the seaside in Margate.
When he arrives in his Pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is Jeremy Corbyn. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up alongside Mr. Corbyn, with Teresa May and Boris Johnson on board. Teresa May leans over and pulls him out. Then Theresa May and Boris Johnson began to beat the shark to death with baseball bats before landing the boat on the beach.
The Pope says to them, "I know there has been a lot of disagreements between your parties, but I can see that you respect each other and would help each other in their hour of need, You have my blessings." The Pope then drives out of sight.
Theresa May asks, "Who was that?"
"That was the Pope Prime minster, he is all knowing and in touch with God & Leader of the Catholic Church".
Theresa May says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but clearly he knows nothing about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up?"
 
 
 
Cheers,
 
Nigel
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A man is walking slowly along the beach when he notices an unusual glass bottle just at the waterside.

He picks it up and opens it.

To his amazement a genie appears.

"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years and as you have released me I will grant you your greatest wish" says he.

"Well" says the man. " I would really really like to go and see my sister in America but I am terrified of boats and aeroplanes,could you build me a motorway?"

" I certainly could" says the genie "but have you thought of the disruption and adverse environmental impact that all of that concrete and steel would have on the ocean. Is there anything else you wish?"

"I am having problems with my marriage.Is there anything you can do to help me understand my wife?"said the man.

"Do you want a four or six lane motorway?" says the genie.

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A magician was billed at the local nightspot.  Onto the stage he swept, in his top hat and cape; waving his hands, a smoke bomb detonated and, when it cleared, there were all his props.

 

Illusion after miraculous illusion was performed; card tricks, prestidigitation (audience: "WhooOOOoooo!!"), disappearances which defied all of the laws of nature; all of these and much, much more.

 

A volunteer was called for from the amazed audience.  An intrepid gentleman stepped out onto the stage.

"Might I have your watch, good sir?" asked the Great Mage.

Off it came, and was duly placed in a silken bag.  The magician then placed it on a table, and proceeded to beat it with a mallet for all he was worth.

 

With a triumphant flourish, our dextrous hero, powerful and replete with almost mystic skill, emptied out the bag, to the accompaniment of the band and the beginnings of a rapturous ovation; however, all became as still as midnight in a graveyard when the myriad twisted fragments that had been a wristwatch rained down upon the table, with the faux leather straps dangling forlornly from the bag.  Then these, too, succumbed to the forces of gravity and joined the other detritus.

 

The stunned magician blushed.

"This has never before happened in the whole of my career!" - he said, sadly - "Name your price!"

"Oh, it wasn't valuable, just a cheap old thing I picked up on holiday for forty dollars or so.  Not sure what that is in pounds now..."

"Don't bother.  Take this £100 with my blessing and heartfelt apologies."

This he did.

 

Later, in the bar, he went for an ale, and saw our hero waving to him.  Again, he apologised, and the victim gracefully waved this off with a hearty "Ah, no problem!" before ordering a pint of best, and a steak and kidney pie.  He invited the magician to join him, and they took a table with their beers and one pie.

The aforementioned victim, the volunteer now bereft of his watch, bit into his pie, and what did he find, there in his pie?

Edited by Chillidragon
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A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.

 

Simon.

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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. 
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

 

Simon.

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Apart from the attorney's job, that sounds too much like my life.

 

A story now from me.

 

When at home in far off Llanforien I used to go off up into the wild mountains, beneath the trees and beside bubbling fresh, cool springs.  There I would seek my inner peace, but all too often in vain.

This changed one summer morning.  I came upon a hill I had seen many times, and skirted on my way to one of my favourite spots for meditation; but today was not to be like any other day.  Today, I decided, I would ascend, and see what might lie beyond.  And I was well rewarded for the effort thus expended; I beheld an unspoilt valley, neglected due to its small size, in which stood a lake.  On the (not very) far shore I beheld a building, looking for all the world like an Oriental temple.  I leapt the stream which fed the lake and approached.  A sign, in beautiful calligraphy, confirmed the use of this bijou edifice and announced its identity; I made out   没山庙   - which I read as "Mei Shan Miao" - translated underneath as "Deml Heb Vynydd".  I noted that both renditions were archaic, and in English proclaimed this to be "Temple of No Mountain", or "Mountainless Temple".  This suggested to me two things: that there was some heritage to be found within, and that the Temple was of the Daoist School, mountains having a special significance to them, even when, in this case, the temple was not to be found on one.

I entered to an aroma of sweet and subtle incense, and good tea.  I found the Abbess there, who bade me sit and passed me a cup.  Silently, we sipped and only then exchanged introductions.  Wang Meihua (who took the name Blodwen in Welsh) was very welcoming, and promised that, should I return the next day, I would witness something remarkable.

 

I slept well that night despite my excitement, returning at dawn to again find myself imbibing that divinely ordained infusion.  We meditated for a time, then Abbess Wang indicated the closed sliding leaves of a plain wooden door which partitioned the building. 

 

The Aroma changed, and instrumental music struck up.  I heard a small but full orchestra in there, whose music waxed, shone, then gently waned like the Moon, to be followed by a choir - perhaps the very same musicians - whose wordless vocalisations brought to mind thoughts deep, profound, and yet supremely peaceful.  I asked what it was that I had just experienced; Abbess Wang assured me that the spectacle beyond the door was far greater than even that which I had sampled, for a mere sample it was.  Alas, she could tell me nothing more, nor could she show me, for I was not an Initiate of Mei Shan Jia (The School of No Mountain). 

 

I returned each day for another week; the ceremony proved to be a daily observance, but my questions were still met with regretful silence.  I began to despair of ever learning what ceremony could be so profound, so important, to be greater than the impressions conjured by that amazing sound.

 

After the visit which I decided would be my last, at least for a while, I asked no more questions.  Instead, I took in all of the ceremony that I could as a precious memory, and something to further ponder, then prepared to leave, hiding my disappointment as a good guest should; Abbess Wang bade me stay for another cup, this time of ShaoXing Jiu; Yellow Wine.  This arrived, at blood heat, and Abbess Wang invited me to pour for her, if I so wished; eagerly I did so, handing her the cup with a deep bow.  She drank; and at that point, Abbess Blodwen Wang Meihua became, for me, Wang Shifu or Athrawes Wang; Teacher Wang. 

 

For the rest of that summer I came daily; we drank tea, studied and discussed the Classics; we meditated whilst sitting, and, after I was invited to bring Long Jian Ya, my pet sword, I was taught to wield her properly.  Teacher Wang was some years my senior - her age was impossible to accurately gauge - but moved with the precision, grace and speed of the very Tylwyth Teg (or Shen, Fae, Sidhe - take your pick)  themselves.  Under her expert tutelage, I improved in knowledge and understanding of myself, my universe - and their inseparability, continuity, unity.  My sword was no longer an instrument for parting souls from bodies, no; it would unite me with my opponent, and, unless relentless and supremely harmful in intent, both of us would walk away from any aggressive encounter.  I was taught to apply these lessons when physically swordless also.  I had found my inner peace, and the means to wear it around me like a soft, warm yet impervious armour forged in the heart of stars - as are we all.  I was no finished product, yet the foundations had been well laid to further build upon and abundant material provided with which to continue.

 

All this time I had heard that miraculous sound beyond the outer room, and could still not witness the ceremony within; I was a student of Wang Shifu, and therefore of Mei Shan Jia, truly, but not an Initiate.  But now I had come to accept that, and understand its importance.

 

The following day I arrived for my lesson, somewhat troubled; there was an air of completion, of a journey's end.  And so it proved to be; when entering the outer room I was met, not by my kind, wise teacher and friend, but by a group of monks.  With solemn gentleness they invited me to change from my outside clothes into a silken robe which one of them held for me.  It was a beautiful black robe, embroidered with a dragon in several rich colours of thread.  I belted it with a sash and put on my sword, worn on my back in the Daoist fashion.  (It frees the hands for climbing).  Then one of them stood by me to wait while, behind me, the others entered the Inner Room.

 

This, I knew, was it; my day had come.  I would be initiated into the No Mountain School, in the Temple of No Mountain itself, by the Abbess, my much loved teacher.  My companion turned me to face the door; it opened, and there stood Wang Shifu, who led me into the inner room, that chamber of wonder and mystery, just as the aroma created by a powdered incense of rare and fragrant resins and spices rose to the heavens and the instrumental part of the ceremony began.

 

What an experience.  Thus began, for me, the auspicious part of my life, the beginning of the greater journey for which my teacher had prepared and nurtured me.  The Yi Jing has the saying " [The King] approaches the Temple; regrets cease".  Whilst I am no king, the truth of this proved to be mine.  At the end, I left, transformed in so many ways; I returned eagerly the following day.  When I arrived in that blessed little valley, I saw that the Temple was gone, without trace; it was as though it had never been.  All that remained, on a rock, was a small paper package.  I had hung my robe in the Outer Room, expecting to wear it on my visits, and Abbess Wang had left it for me.  I took it up and walked home, still filled with awe and profound wonder from that last day, which remains with me yet.

 

What, you ask, did I witness in that Inner Room?  What ceremony, what kind of spectacle?

I already mentioned the Incense, the instrumental music then the choir; but none of that prepared me at all for the sight which I beheld, the incredible thing in which, rather than witness, I played my part!  All around me...

 

But wait; I deeply, deeply regret that I can say no more, for none of you are Initiates of Mei Shan Jia.

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