Long (ish) Jokes.

[Tzulscha]

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"

The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"

[fewr9fkr9595]

A man walked into a bar. Ouch.

Not long enough? 😂

[bentwaters81tfw]

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"

The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"

I was expecting a question about the white section - referring to the French contingent.

[Tzulscha]

I was expecting a question about the white section - referring to the French contingent.

Okay, how about this:

Ontario vs. Quebec

Two men, one from Ontario and one from Quebec, were in a cave when they came across a magic lamp.

While they were fighting over whom the lamp belonged to, a genie popped out.

The genie said, “I shall grant each of you one wish and only one, so make it good.”

The Quebecois spoke first, “I want you to build a one hundred-foot high wall around the border of Quebec. This will ensure that the English culture does not corrode our superior heritage.”

The genie nodded, “done,” he then turned to the Ontarian. “And your wish?”

“Fill it with water.”

[SeanM]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[JohnT]

From a friend in the USA:-

A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.

Of course he doesn't get more than a half-dozen blocks before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch his nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.

The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light -- the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.

"All right," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?" "Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "You've heard of being the Designated Driver? I'm the Designated Decoy."

[Tzulscha]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[Spookytooth]

For once, last night, I had to put our young son to bed.

So we went up stairs into his bedroom and I turned the low light on for him.

He went to the other side of the bed and knelt down.

I was a bit confused by this, but I followed suit and knelt down myself.

"What are you doing ? " asked my son.

"The same as you " I replied.

"I hope not" he replied, "the potty is this side of the bed........

Simon.

[Bonehammer]

Once upon a time there lived a king who had three young sons. The king had a marvelous castle with all sorts of entertainment, but his pride and joy was a golden peacock living in the greenhouses.

One day to everyone's dismay the yellow duck went missing. The chamberlain, butlers, cooks, marshals, servants, all searched far and wide but the golden peacock wasn't found. The king was beyond despair.

So he summoned his eldest son and told him, "Son, you know the golden peacock has disappeared and so has my happiness. Find it and bring it back to me and I will reward you with my kingdom. But if you fail, do not ever consider yourself a son of mine."

The young prince had the best horse saddled and started riding in search of the golden peacock. He rode east, west, north and south. He spoke to merchants, pilgrims, and raiders. In the end, he did not find a single clue of where the fabulous bird might have disappeared to, he was weary of riding, and homesick. He reasoned that the king might not be happy, but after all he was still his son!

So he rode back to the castle and told his father, "My lord! I rode east, west, north and south. I spoke to merchants, pilgrims, and raiders. But I did not find the golden peacock. I..."

And he did not manage to say anything else, because his father had drawn his sword in a fit of rage and killed him on the spot.

The king then summoned his second son and told him, "Son, you know the golden peacock has disappeared and so has my happiness. Find it and bring it back to me and I will reward you with my kingdom. But if you fail, as your brother did, do not ever show your face to me again."

The young prince had the fastest ship readied and started sailing in search of the golden peacock. He sailed east, west, north and south. He spoke to sailors, fishermen, and divers. In the end, he did not find a single clue of where the fabulous bird might have disappeared to. He reasoned that even though the king had slain his brother, he had done so in a fit of rage, and after all he was still his son!

So he sailed back to the castle and told his father, "My lord, I beg your forgiveness! I gave all of myself in the quest. I sailed east, west, north and south. I spoke to sailors, fishermen, and divers. But I did not find the golden peacock. I..."

And he did not manage to say anything else, because his father had drawn his sword in a fit of rage and killed him on the spot.

The king then summoned his youngest son and told him, "Son, you know the golden peacock has disappeared and so has my happiness. Find it and bring it back to me and I will reward you with my kingdom. But if you fail, as your brothers did, do not ever return."

The young prince - more than a little worried - summoned the strongest porters in the realm and went trekking in search of the golden peacock. He trekked east, west, north and south. He spoke to hermits, mountainmen, and climbers. In the end, he did not find a single clue of where the fabulous bird might have disappeared to. He was weary of trekking, and homesick.He reasoned that even though the king had slain his brothers, he might have repented, and after all he was his only son!

So he sailed back to the castle and told his father, "My lord, I beg your forgiveness! I gave all of myself in the quest. I sailed east, west, north and south. I spoke to sailors, fishermen, and divers. But I did not find the golden peacock. I..."

And he did not manage to say anything else, because his father had drawn his sword in a fit of rage and killed him on the spot. That was the end of the dinasty.

[Bonehammer]

Once upon a time there was a mystical realm in which everything, through the action of arcane forces, had taken the shape of a skull.

In this realm there was a skull-shaped castle which was said to hold the most precious of treasures. The skull-shaped castle was surrounded by a skull-shaped moat, and it had skull-shaped courtyards, skull-shaped halls, skull-shaped corridors, and skull-shaped salons.

One day a skull-shaped thief set out to rob the castle of its treasure.

He corrupted a skull-shapedguard, obtained a copy of the skull-shaped keys, and entered the skull-shaped main door at night. He went up the skull-shaped stairs of the tallest skull-shaped tower, entered the topmost skull-shaped room, and picked the skull-shaped lock. There, on a small skull-shaped table, there was a skull-shaped crate locked with a skull-shaped padlock. He smashed the skull-shaped crate open with a skull-shaped crowbar and inside he saw...

...

...

...the golden peacock.

[Alex Gordon]

Are you here all week?

[Pete in Lincs]

Found this one on hyperscale.com

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a
$40 jar of face Cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."


That's him, lying there in Aisle 5.

[Pete in Lincs]

This one too,

http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_147193495633711&key=0eff82a158b9bcd735539ea921a97f93&libId=is74097j010009tm000DA7yf8vuuu&cuid=f-&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.network54.com%2FForum%2F232726%2Fthread%2F1471796489%2Flast-1471868791%2F%2528View%2BAll%2BMessages%2BIn%2BThis%2BThread%2529&v=1&out=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2FfTvpU7ahimw&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.network54.com%2FForum%2F232726&title=The%20Lounge%20-%20HyperScale's%20%22Off-Topic%22%20Forum%3A%20This%20is%20hilarious!&txt=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2FfTvpU7ahimw

[Truro Model Builder]

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.

"Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."

The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more."

The man agrees and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut unsteadily and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps and enters the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches and turns to the priest.

"Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

[Selwyn]

Paddy and Mick are in the pub having a few pints of Guinness.

A man walks in places a large damp looking parcel on the bar and orders a pint.

Curious, Paddy asks him, “So what you got in the parcel then?”

“Have a look,” he says unwrapping, and sat there is an enormous beautiful Salmon.

“By god,” says Paddy, that’s a fine fish. “Where on earth did you get that?”

“Well its spawning time and the fish are making their way up river, there are hundreds of them. You don’t even need a rod, you can just pick them out.”

“Is that a fact!” says Paddy impressed. “I tell you I wouldn’t mind one or two of them for myself.”

Later on Paddy and Mick are making their unsteady way home, and they come to a bridge.

“Mick,” says Paddy. “Do you fancy a nice bit of Salmon for your supper?”

“I would that!” says Mick, and we would have enough for a nice breakfast too judging by the size of the one that fella had in the bar.”

“OK” says Paddy. “Hang me over the side of the bridge and I will pick a choice couple out.”

After ten minutes Mick’s arms are beginning to hurt a bit.

“Paddy have you got a fish yet?”

“No not yet. Keep hanging on.”

Ten minutes later Mick’s arm muscles are like fire.

Paddy have you got a fish yet? My arms are aching!”

“No not yet. Keep hanging on.”

Ten minutes later Mick is in absolute agony.

“By god Paddy have you got a fish yet? My arms are killing me!”

“Not yet, Not yet. Just keep hanging on.”

All of a sudden there is a panicky shout.

“Mick! Mick! Pull me up quick Mick!”

“Have you got a fish?”

No! There’s a Train coming!

[Kiwidave4]

A blonde goes on holiday and is booking into the guest house. Looking around reception she notices a sign on the wall.

She asks the owner, "What time do you get in?"

The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"

The blonde says, "Well, on that sign there it says that guests have to be in before you! "

The owner replies, "No, it actually says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am’."

[GordonD]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

There was an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is sternum".

[Kiwidave4]

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, as it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

 

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos.

 

The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

 

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?".

 

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

Classic Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman Joke

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

[GordonD]

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to bealert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes inbottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, menwill often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life'ssavings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim tothis "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter withsimilarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[Jessica]

Thanksturkey day rapidly approaches here in the Great Wet North, which brings to mind one of the traditional accompaniments, the humble Brussels Sprout. Many people loathe them, because far too often they were cooked the way they were in our Grandmothers' day; boiled until all vestiges of nourishment and flavour were long since lost into the boiling water (which was then poured down the drain).

It's a much better idea to prepare them in a modern, flavourful way. Herewith, the recipe for pan roasted Brussels Sprouts with Bacon (Stolen from the Food Network and adapted slightly):

Ingredients:

8 strips thick-cut bacon

2 tablespoons butter

1 pound Brussels sprouts, halved

1/2 large onion, chopped

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Cook bacon in a large skillet over medium-high heat until crispy. Remove to a paper towel-lined plate. In same pan with bacon fat, melt butter over high heat. Add onions and Brussels Sprouts and cook, stirring occasionally, until sprouts are golden brown, 8 to 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.

Toss the Brussels Sprouts and onions straight into the compost and eat the bacon.

[GordonD]

Scientists at Edinburgh University have released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. 

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1.) Gained weight 
2.) Talked excessively without making sense 
3.) Became overly emotional 
4.) Couldn't drive 
5.) Failed to think rationally 
6.) Argued over nothing 
7.) Had to sit down while urinating 
8.) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

 

 

     An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. 

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. 

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. 

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. 

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. 

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" 

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[sinnerboy]

Little Indian boy to his Dad

"Father, can I ask you why we in this tribe are named as we are...why is my sister named Drifting Cloud and my Brother Chasing Wolf?"

"Ah, that is very simple my son, it is the long held tradition of this tribe that after the Mother has given birth to the infant, when the Father leaves the teepee he shall so name the offspring after the first thing he sees, so when your sister was born, I peered out of the tepee and the first thing I saw was this beautiful cloud drifting over the mountains, hence her name.

Likewise when your Brother was born, on leaving the tepee I saw a handsome beast of a wolf in pursuit of an Antelope"

" tell me, why do you ask, Two Dogs Shagging?"