Hockeyboy76

Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The other replied: “Well, put some cold in it then”

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.

What’s another name for the movie Snakes on a Plane? The Boeing Constrictor.

That’s every year.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

Terrible jokes? No such thing. Chuck Norris breathes air ... five times a day. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck Norris said, “Say Please.” Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Chuck Norris is so hard, he can fold airplanes into paper.

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students? I’m only going to demonstrate this once, so look closely.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

What do you call a guy who is building a wall in the middle of a river? Adam. What do you call a guy with a radio? Roger.

What do you call a man in shark infested waters? Chum. What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.

Old MacDonald is up to something. He keeps typing the lyrics to his song as "E-I-E-I-o". I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.

My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!" I'm all shook up…

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics. They eventually kicked me off stage. Too many Loggins attempts.

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

I was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said

What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost! “Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but… They’re just waiting their turn. They say us british people like to join queues We don’t and i will be first in line to tell you that

When I meet new people I always talk about my giant pet penguin... It's a good ice breaker Why don’t polar bears and penguins get on? Because they are polar opposites What do you call a penguin with no eye? Pengun Why don't you ever see penguins in Great Britain? Because they're scared of wales How do penguins know when there's something wrong? It smells a bit fishy

What do you call Harry Potter in a plane? The flying sorcerer

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0. What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other “Can you smell fish?”

@Enzo the Magnificent said “Let's jump off this bridge when we come to it.” (I added this missing i for you dude) I say……. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!" A suicidal geologist says "I'm going to jump off this cliff" I said "Don't listen to him, it's a bluff"

Why are there so many bad science jokes? All the good ones argon.