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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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On ‎09‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 11:22 AM, Spookytooth said:

Alzhiemrs

 

Simon.

One hopes the perky boobs and stiff willies will not be on the same individuals!

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"This new year I’m going to do something different," said Paddy. 

"3 years ago I went to Rome and Mary my wife got pregnant. 

"2 years ago I went to Benidorm and Mary got pregnant. 

"Last year I went to Lanzarote and Mary got pregnant."

 

Mick says, "So what are you going to do this year?"

 

Paddy replies, "I’m taking her with me!"

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I just searched Google for "lost servant boy".....


It told me........ 


Page not found. 

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Ed Sheeran has released a new album:

Sheeran.jpg

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We call our granddad Spiderman.

 

He doesn't have  superhuman powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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When my wife answered the front door last night a 7 foot beetle was standing there and smacked her on the nose.

 

 

The Doctor in A&E said there was a nasty bug going around.

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Posted (edited)

My wife's just stormed off to the kitchen in a rage after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become.

 


I can hear her in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

Edited by Kiwidave4

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Woman I work beside said she was planning a fairytale wedding. So I turned up at the reception and put a curse on her firstborn.

 

There's no pleasing some people.

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And an original from the daughter:

 

Two spiders sitting in a washbasin. One speaks, the other finishes the sentence.

"Wow!" - says one - "We are so in sync right now!"

"Where did you think we were? The toilet bowl?"

 

And my own all time favourite, heard on a ward where I trained:

 

Little Red Riding Hood is off to see her granny, basket of goodies in hand.  Away she goes, down the forest trail, skippitty-skip, skippetty-skip...  On her right; rustling.  Behind a bush is a wolf.

"Ooh, Mr. Wolf!" - she squeals - "What big eyes you have!"

"Skussn rrowl flubbart" - he replies, and runs away into the forest.

 

On she goes, further along the forest trail, skippitty-skip, skippetty-skip...  On her left; more rustling.  Behind another bush is the wolf.

"Ooh, Mr. Wolf!" - she squeals - "What big ears you have!"

"Skussn rrowl flubbart" - he replies once more, and runs away deeper into the forest.

 

Eventually, our heroine reaches Granny's cottage, and hark!  Rustling behind the hedgerow!  And who could it be?  Why, our hero!

"Ooh, Mr Wolf! What big teeth..."

The wolf begins to sob.

"Is there NOWHERE in this forest a wolf can pwp in peace?"

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I was in the new cake shop in the town today.

 

 There was a little old lady in front of me asking the prices. The assistant said, "They are all $5."

 

The lady pointed to a big cake on the top shelf and asked, "How much is that one?" 

 

The assistant said, "Ahh...that one is $10.00."

 

The old lady asked why.

 

The assistant said, "Its madeira cake."
 

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A very sad day! After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He is a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

 

Simon.

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I once heard about a guy that couldn't eat green peas because they were toxic to him. 
After 7 years, the doctor said his body chemistry had changed and he could eat all the peas he wanted. 
He went to a bar and grille and ordered a huge bowl of green peas, sat and looked at them and said, " My first pea in 7 years!" 
A drunk sitting at the bar says, "If you can't swim...grab something that floats!"

 

Simon.

 

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I once knew a bloke who always went out of his way to be helpful.  If you ever needed an innuendo, he'd give you one.

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And now: another old favourite from home.

An English family are touring Wales, and why not?

Next stop: Llanelli! And so begins the controversy.

"You know, dear" - says father - "I believe the locals pronounce this as /klan'ekli:/

"No" - says mother - "It's a hard, emphatic 'l' sound like /lan'elli:/

"Shakespeare rendered it as in 'Fluellen', so I'm for /flan'efli:/" - adds the English Lit graduate daughter

"Well I think it's like Icelandic double 'l'" - decides the Sigur Ros fan son - "so its /tlan'etli:/"...

 

The conversation continues for some time.

 

Mouths now dry, the sign is ahead: "Croeso i Llanelli/welcome to Llanelli. Please drive carefully."  Nearby is the sort of tearoom frequented by professionals of the haulage industry. 

In our intrepid intellectual questors go, and order...  Well, tea.  As the waitress returns, father detains her and asks:

"Settle an argument, dear; exactly how do you people pronounce the name of this place?"

She looks a little surprised for a moment, but soon rallies.  Patiently, she intones:

"Trans-port ca-fe".

Edited by Chillidragon

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22 hours ago, Chillidragon said:

"Trans-port ca-fe".

Same joke but ended with Burr-gurr-king!

An allegedly true story in which some special forces guys got blown way off course during a night parachute drop.

They saw a light in a nearby cottage and knocked the door.

The leader said 'excuse me madam,could you tell us where we are?'

'Earth' she replied and closed the door.

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