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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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Have you ever noticed, how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places? Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton, Ayr Town Centre...

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An 80-year-old man is having his annual 
checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been 
better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and 
having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell 
you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a 
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his 
umbrella instead of his gun."                                                                                                                                                                  "So he's in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a 
grizzly bear appears in front of him! 
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of 
him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly."

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What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

 

Bubblegum...of course.

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On 14/11/2017 at 1:29 AM, Brad said:

What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

 

Bubblegum...of course.

Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies.

 

Your Granny.

 

 

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.                                                                          Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." 
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. 

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" 
"Yeah, so?" said the officer. 

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

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Safety advice for hiking through the American woods:

 

It's important to know the differences between various species of bear.  Some are much more aggressive than others and will kill you if they get the chance.

If a black bear approaches you, climb into a tree.  It will generally not try to follow you and will walk off.  If a grizzly bear approaches you, do not try to climb a tree, as it will follow you.  You can deter it by using pepper spray or making an unfamiliar noise, for example with sleigh bells.

You can tell what sort of bear is in the vicinity by analysing its droppings.  Black bear droppings are fine and smell of grass and fruit.  Grizzly bear droppings smell of pepper and often have small metal objects embedded in them.

 

 

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On black Friday, are you allowed to buy white goods?

 

If all your nearest & dearest were put onto a boat,

would it make for a good friendship?

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Prince Harry rings the Queen and says 'Grandma can I marry Meghan Markle?" The Queen says "Oh Harry, we're not related, I don't care who you marry". 

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We have snow and a countdown so no apologies for regurgitating this oldie..

 

Santa wasn't having a good day.

The reindeer had the vet in as they were poorly.

The elves were on a work to rule and the schedule had gone out the window.

The sleigh had failed its MOT

Mrs  Claus had a headache last night and he had a hangover.

Just then there was a knock on the door and on opening it Santa saw a beautiful fairy with a Christmas tree.

She asked Santa what she should do with the tree and that ladies and gentlemen is why today we have a fairy on top of the tree.

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On 29/11/2017 at 3:46 PM, Brad said:

Prince Harry rings the Queen and says 'Grandma can I marry Meghan Markle?" The Queen says "Oh Harry, we're not related, I don't care who you marry". 

 

He later rings Prince Phillip and says: "Grandpa, will the usual baggage have to be invited to the wedding?"

Phillip says "I don't care whether she's invited or not, but I'll be there!"

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My son-in-law could do with one of those. He and my daughter were on their way to Stamford Bridge a couple of years ago when he was caught short (luckily he wasn't driving), and couldn't wait to get to the ground, so he emptied a plastic water bottle and used that...........just as a fully loaded double decker pulled up alongside!:o

 

John.

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They say the pain a woman feels during child birth is almost equivalent to the pain a man feels when he can't drink a beer with the boys.

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