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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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Scimitar    2,376

When I was a little boy my parents made me walk the plank.

 

 

 

 

 

We couldn't afford a dog

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Tzulscha    1,180

Airline P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Glasgow, we hope you enjoyed your flight and thank you for flying Easyjet.

If you didn't enjoy your flight, thank you for flying Ryanair.

 

 

 

I wanted to go back for another 50 missions, but they ruled it out because I had a case of malaria that kept recurring.

So I had to stay in the States and teach combat flying.

I was shot down by a mosquito!

— Frank Hurlbut, P-38 pilot.

 

 

A military aircraft had gear problems on landing, and as the plane was skidding down the tarmac the tower controller asked if they needed assistance.

From the plane came a laconic southern voice:
Dunno - we ain't done crashin' yet.

 

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sinnerboy    2,004
On ‎11‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 10:08 AM, Max Headroom said:

The boy stood on the burning deck

His body all a quiver 

He gave a cough

His leg fell off

And floated down the river 

 

 

Sir Pauls ode to Heather....

 

We sat down at the waters edge

My heart was all a quiver

I slowly undid her suspender belt

and her leg fell in the river

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Spookytooth    5,058

She wanted a foot massage so he went and got the sander out !!!

 

Simon

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sinnerboy    2,004

as part of the divorce settlement she wanted a plane

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and some imac for the other leg

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sinnerboy    2,004
On ‎15‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 9:19 AM, Scimitar said:

When I was a little boy my parents made me walk the plank.

 

 

I knocked on the door of the house where I grew up

when the door was answered I said " this is where I spent my childhood, would you mind if I had a quick look around?"

they shouted NO! and slammed the door in my face!

 

my parents can be so bloody rude!

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Kiwidave4    1,124

Just started a boat building business in my attic. 

 

Sails are going through the roof.

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Admiral Puff    1,432
12 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

Supplies.

 

 

Simon.

 

That's about what I need if she walks through the door ... and that's just for ME!

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CedB    27,796

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

- Les Dawson

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Scimitar    2,376

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

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sinnerboy    2,004

My mate told me he was dating twins

"wow" I said " how can you tell them apart"

 

"easy" he said " Julies got big knockers & Nigel has a moustache"

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Max Headroom    5,968

Double post - too much booze

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Max Headroom    5,968
On 18/07/2017 at 7:57 AM, Admiral Puff said:

 

That's about what I need if she walks through the door ... and that's just for ME!

Got any Chardonnay?

 

Trevor

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T7 Models    4,887

According to the news, 15% of women are on medication for mental illness.

 

Which means the other 85% are walking around untreated.

 

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T7 Models    4,887

Another way to know you're getting old:

 

when wet dreams and dry farts swap around.

 

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T7 Models    4,887

Tesco are setting up an internet dating site, though they advise caution as you may end up with a bag for life.

 

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GordonD    2,507

Apologies to spookytooth, but surely this is more appropriate for this forum?

 

Stash1.jpg

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Bullbasket    1,941

Oh, I'd really worry if I got a visit from my mother-in-law........she's been dead for six years!!

 

John.

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T7 Models    4,887

Two lions were walking down the aisle of a supermarket, when one turns to the other and says:

 

"Quiet in here today, isn't it?"

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T7 Models    4,887
5 hours ago, GordonD said:

Apologies to spookytooth, but surely this is more appropriate for this forum?

 

Stash1.jpg

 

How did you get into my attic?

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