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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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Black Knight    3,594

Judge to criminal; 'At your last appearance before me I told you I didn't want to see you in my court ever again!'

Criminal to Judge; 'Yes yer 'onour - Thats what I told the police officer'

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Scimitar    2,376

Spike Milligan: The boy stood on the burning deck. Whence all but he had fled – The twit! 

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Kiwidave4    1,124

Was talking to a chap last night who is into self improvement and motivation. He told me there are no problems, only opportunities.

 

That's great news 'cos it means I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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Selwyn    1,308
Posted (edited)

Paddy buys a metal detector.

on his first "Hit" he got down 8 feet with his spade before he realised he was wearing steel toecapped boots...................!

Edited by Selwyn

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GordonD    2,507

Benjamin Button

Benjamin who?

Benjamin

Who's there?

Knock knock

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Scimitar    2,376

A man arrives at the pearly gates and St Peter asks him what happened.

I stopped to read a sign which said 'stop' 'look' and 'listen' and when I was doing that the train hit me.

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Scimitar    2,376

In a wee West Highland town there was no regular policeman but the local vet was a Special Constable.

His wife answered the phone one night and the caller asked for Hamish.

Do you need the vet or a policeman she asked.

Both came the reply. I can't get my dog's mouth open and there's a burglar in it.

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Kiwidave4    1,124

Took my two dogs for a walk in the park this morning. They suddenly seemed to vanish into thin air, and I am not sure what happened.

 

However, I do have a couple of leads.

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Scimitar    2,376

A talking sheepdog reported to the shepherd 'All 40 sheep accounted for'

'I've only got 38 sheep says the shepherd.

'I know says the dog,I rounded them up.

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SeanM    1,221

It would appear dogs have raised the level of humour here 😂

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Tzulscha    1,180

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.

 

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween.

Now he won’t come when I call him.

 

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, 
before that last race …”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”

The other horse says, “Funny, 
I felt a pinch in my hindquarters 
before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You 
idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”

The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

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jenko    2,332

 

Do Bees collect Nectar points ???

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Hobby Paul    66

Some bloke hit me over the head with a power tool.....

 

 

 

I was minding my own business... then................

 

 

Bosch

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Hobby Paul    66

I asked my boss.... "Where do you want me to put this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?".

 

He replied... "Just pop it in the corner".

 

4 hours it took me.

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cngaero    1,158

Someone gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas, he said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

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GordonD    2,507

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T7 Models    4,887
Posted (edited)

My doctor has prescribed me some anti-gloating cream.

 

All I need to do is rub it in.

 

Edited by T7 Models

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T7 Models    4,887
Posted (edited)

We need to bring back Tony the Tiger, so we can make Frosties GR-R-REAT again!

 

Edited by T7 Models

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T7 Models    4,887

My girlfriend just passed her driving test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in.

 

So I bought her a pair of trainers from Lidl.

 

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T7 Models    4,887

The local flasher was due to retire next month, but the good news is that he's decided to stick it out for another year.

 

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Brad    1,499

As a man, I need feminism because sometimes I run out of other things to laugh at.

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