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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

471 posts in this topic

3 hours ago, Jessica said:

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At least getting a seat shouldn't be a problem at the moment!

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On 10/04/2017 at 20:24, Fatboydim said:

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Ain't that the truth!!

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Wandering around the supermarket, I see hens' eggs, duck eggs, and now mini eggs.  I didn't even know Minis laid eggs.

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Years ago I used to have Friday lunch with a mate at a local gastrointestinal pub place.  I pointed out to a pretty lady on table that their special of the day contravened the Trades Descriptions Act.  "Duck Balls"?   Drake Balls perhaps but surely not duck?

 

Small portions too

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  • How to Give Your Cat a Pill
  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Call RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

 

  • How to Give Your Dog a Pill
  1. Wrap pill in bacon.
  2. Toss it in the air. 
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9BC1793F-8CFA-4943-BDE8-424DA93BB718_zps

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After only four sessions at my karate course i can now break a two inch thick board with my plaster cast.

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Scientists have discovered that towels are a major cause of dry skin.

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Definition of a Puff Adder, one who lets rip in the bath and counts the bubbles......

 

Simon.

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On 12/04/2017 at 8:11 PM, pigsty said:

Wandering around the supermarket, I see hens' eggs, duck eggs, and now mini eggs.  I didn't even know Minis laid eggs.

Only the British Leyland ones

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My neighbour's dog is addicted to wine.

 

 

 

 

 

It's a Bordeaux Collie.

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My brother takes high strength laxatives and snuff.

He practices self control.....

 

Simon.

 

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My crack addiction is getting out of hand.

 

I'm getting through four packs of Milliput a week.

 

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I answered the door earlier to find a police officer standing there. He informed me that my dog had chased somebody on a bike.

 

"Get lost," I told him. "My dog doesn't even own a bike."

 

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Down the pub last night when this big girl with a short skirt climbed on a table and started to dance.

"Great legs", I said.

"You think so?", she asked.

"Yes," said I, "Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

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Some little pics.

 

A 10`s 

 

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Big birds

 

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Simon.

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Warning!!!!!!!

 

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Simon.

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