This site uses cookies! Learn More

This site uses cookies!

You can find a list of those cookies here: mysite.com/cookies

By continuing to use this site, you agree to allow us to store cookies on your computer. :)

Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

274 posts in this topic

Mummy, mummy, I don't want to visit America!

Shut up, son. Keep swimming!

 

Mummy, mummy, why is Daddy running around the street like that?

Shut up, son, and hand me another bullet!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

santarun.jpg

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies.

 

Knock knock.  Who's there?  Who.  WhoWho?  

I don't talk to owls.

 

How do you know your girlfriend is putting on weight?

She fits in your wife's clothes.

 

How many recently divorced women does it take to change alight bulb?

17, one to do it and 16 to tell her how well she is coping on her own.

 

Triathalon was invented because people's therapists told them that they couldn't run away from their problems.

So they added a swim & a cycle ride!

 

 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

50 - one to take out the old one and put in the new one, the other forty-nine to make the documentary ...

 

How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?

None - I get Daddy to buy me a new house ...

 

How many Jewish American mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - I just sit here in the dark, no-one comes, no-one calls, no-one cares ...

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wanted to go out for breakfast Christmas morning to have Eggs Benedict, but I decided to stay home and make it myself. First, it's not fair to make other people work on Christmas, and second, there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so excited!

 

Only 364 sleeps until Christmas!

 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's white and can't climb trees?

 

A fridge.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hear Hollywood are going to make a musical version of A Tale of Two Cities.  It will be called 'Singin' in the Reign of Terror'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 28/12/2016 at 2:16 PM, TonyG said:

What's white and can't climb trees?

 

A fridge.

Whats green, got six legs and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?

 

A snooker table...........................!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What does a snooker table have that you'll also find in a man's trousers?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pockets.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's red and bad for your teeth?

 

A brick.

 

 

What's grey and can't fly?

 

A car park.

 

 

What's blue and smells like red paint?

 

Blue paint.

 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What did the sewingmachine say when it was rejected at X-Factor?

"But I'm a 'Singer'!"

 

Diving for cover :winkgrin:

Hans J

 

PS T'was my daughter who told me this 'joke'! :D

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are using viagra you should use Prozac also. That way if it doesn't work you won't care

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man gets home after a long day away at meetings.

"How was your day?" asks his wife.

"Well, the meetings went fine, but I had an absolute nightmare on the way home.  I was on the train with the last client and the guard came round asking to see tickets.  I went for mine and could I find it?  I looked everywhere, even in my briefcase, but it just wasn't there.  I told the guard I'd definitely bought one, even got the client to vouch for me ... eventually he relented and let me get away with it."

"Well, alright," says his wife, "but what have you done with the car?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How come there's Batman shampoo

but no Conditioner Gordon.

 

(I nicked this one from another site!)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

(I nicked this one from another site!)

 

You shouldn't have bothered :)

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M," came the reply, "and what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out".

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Helvetica and Times New Roman were thrown out of the bar because they didn't serve their type there.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You won't see me for a while people , I'm being investigated by the police for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I've got to lilo.

 

Graham

 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I once went out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes. I phoned her a few days later but found out that she'd popped her clogs.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I once lived on a houseboat and used to date the girl next door but we drifted apart.

 
 
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎08‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 1:06 AM, SeanM said:

If you are using viagra you should use Prozac also. That way if it doesn't work you won't care

Taking Viagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you roger more

 

 

 

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mate always sleeps on a pile of old magazines.............he has back issues.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now