Jump to content

If you're one of the gradually reducing number of folks that aren't currently receiving notifications to topics you've subscribed to, or PMs you're receiving, first check you've got the correct address in your profile, then drop in and post your experience in this thread, remembering to tell us your email provider's details, which is the part after the @ in your email address.

This site uses cookies! Learn More

This site uses cookies!

You can find a list of those cookies here: mysite.com/cookies

By continuing to use this site, you agree to allow us to store cookies on your computer. :)

Scimitar

Long (ish) Jokes.

Recommended Posts

For the U.S.market, Toyota used to make a large van with a small engine called the: S Cargo.

 

Garry c

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Garry c said:

For the U.S.market, Toyota used to make a large van with a small engine called the: S Cargo.

 

Garry c

wonder if that's were the joke came from.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irishman died and met St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

St Peter said; " We have a special test for Irishmen.

First, you will be hung upside down in this barrel.

Next, every drink you ever spilled will be poured in.

If you drown, To Hell with you!"

 

Garry c

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/18/2017 at 3:05 PM, Garry c said:

An Irishman died and met St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

St Peter said; " We have a special test for Irishmen.

First, you will be hung upside down in this barrel.

Next, every drink you ever spilled will be poured in.

If you drown, To Hell with you!"

 

Garry c

We don't spill our drinks 🍻

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

 

Simon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A group of four year old were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

"John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S***."

Edited by Kiwidave4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/17/2017 at 22:04, Garry c said:

For the U.S.market, Toyota used to make a large van with a small engine called the: S Cargo.

 

Garry c

I believe it was Citroen actually made a small van called that for the UK/Ireland market

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Black Knight said:

I believe it was Citroen actually made a small van called that for the UK/Ireland market

Nope, not them either!

I think you'll find we're talking about the NISSAN S-Cargo! (but it was "inspired" by Citrioen's 2CV Van!)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, MadNurseGaz said:

Nope, not them either!

I think you'll find we're talking about the NISSAN S-Cargo! (but it was "inspired" by Citrioen's 2CV Van!)

There's one (think only one)running around here in Winnipeg. Was used by a gags store, now it's used by a plumbing company.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Alfred and Jethro ran a small farm and kept a number of animals. They'd been working very hard for many months and one day Alfred decided that they deserved a night off, so seeing that there was a well known Evangelist appearing in the West End of London, they decided that was just the job for them.

So they set off in good time and arrived at the theatre and took their seats. The Evangelist went through his whole performance, getting people up and persuading them to reveal their innermost thoughts and secrets, until he arrived at the climax of the show.

"I want to talk about the afterlife now" he said. "Is there anybody here who has seen a ghost?" Several hands went up.

"Is there anybody here who has talked to a ghost?" Again, hands went up, but fewer this time.

"Is there anybody here who has been touched by a ghost?" Only a few hands went up this time.

"Finally, if there is anybody here who has had sex with a ghost, I want them to come up here on the stage" At first nobody moved, then suddenly Jethro stood up and started walking towards the stage. Astonished, Alfred shouted out "Jethro! When did you have sex with a ghost?"

"Oh, ghost" replied Jethro. "I thought he said goat".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 27/11/2017 at 2:19 AM, MadNurseGaz said:

Nope, not them either!

I think you'll find we're talking about the NISSAN S-Cargo! (but it was "inspired" by Citrioen's 2CV Van!)

And they made a right Escargot out of it,you can't beat the 2CV....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest.....

 

Simon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. 
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As the left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young curate went to the parish priest and said, "Father, I have a bit of a problem. My bicycle has been stolen and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to get the police involved because I'm new here and I don't want to turn the people against me by getting one of them into trouble. If I knew who had taken it I would have a quiet word and persuade him to return it, but there at least half a dozen in the congregation who I feel might have taken it as a joke and I don't want to accuse the wrong person."

 

The priest said, "On Sunday, make your sermon about the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' look around the congregation and see who has a guilty look on his face. Then after the sermon you can have your quiet word."

 

That Sunday afternoon the priest saw the curate riding his bike through the village. He flagged him down and said, "I see you have your bicycle back! I take it my advice had the desired effect! Did you have any trouble persuading the culprit to return it?"

 

The curate said, "Actually there was no need for that. I was giving my sermon about the Ten Commandments, but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left the bike!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man has been sitting at the bar drinking all night.

When the bar closes ,he is the last one to leave.

He stumble's to his car and get's in the back seat. Just then, a cop arrive's and upon seeing the situation ask's the man to get out of his car.

"It appear's you have had too much this evening sir, I'm going to have to arrest you for drunk driving"

To which the man reply's ......

Why are you bothering me??? I have done nothing wrong ! Why don't you go arrest a real criminal?

You can start with the jerk that stole my steering  wheel !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says: "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

Simon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the aircraft starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the aircraft starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when there is  less than 20 yards of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the aircraft lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we' re gonna get killed!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address.

To this the manager replies "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed".

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that

he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.

At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically. 

When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned,  "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce?

Can imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied. "Yes, I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Purina diet

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn' t because I' d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I' d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I 'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door

 

 

Chris

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife used that in our local supermarket a few years back when she replied to the check-out lady ' We don't have any dogs or cats but the dog food is great curried and the cat food makes a great pie with flaky pastry..but don't tell my husband.'

I wondered about the funny looks that lady gave me for some weeks afterwards.

I was going to use the sitting in street joke but you beat me to it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just as an aside - in Australia "Purina" is a brand of breakfast cereal!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/3/2016 at 11:51 PM, Tzulscha said:

A Lesson in American English...

  • *Cheese* The teacher told Fred to use the word cheese in a sentence. Fred replies: Mary likes me, but cheese ugly.
  • *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
  • *Shoulder* My fren' wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.
  • *Texas * My fren' always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
  • *Herpes* Me and my fren' ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
  • *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
  • *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
  • *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
  • *Wheelchair* We only have one hamburger left, but don't worry wheelchair
  • *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
  • *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey, harassment nothing to me.
  • *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
  • *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
  • *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

How about

Neck strain, as in 'Whensa neck strain to LA?'

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. 

"No, of course not, love," replied the husband. 

"Do you like being married?" asked the wife. 

"Of course I do, lamb." he said. 

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" 

"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then." 

"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained. 

"Yes," replied the trapped husband.

"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause. 

"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate. 

"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."

"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" 

"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied. 

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." 

"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×