Bertie McBoatface Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) I hope it's not too late for a humble mechanic to enter into this GB? Assuming the welcome for which Britmodeller is justly famous, I shall proceed apace for it is already the Tenth of June 1905. The King, (God Bless Him!) is keenly interested in the latest scientific principles and contraptions. As his Chief Designer, I have been tasked to create a machine for him. A machine of such stupendous advancement that his much beloved cousin (Kaiser Bill) will be driven into an envious rage. A project which has great appeal to any true born Englishman! Here's the King again. His support is greatly appreciated, but his presence is becoming something of a nuisance; he will interfere so! I have asked him to keep his hands behind his back while in the workshops. To give him due credit, he has taken to this habit with a will even when out and about on his royal duties. Perhaps the pose will become a royal tradition in generations to come? I laugh out loud! The workshop would benefit from a spring-cleaning but there is no time for such niceties. On with this 'Challenge to the Scrapheap'! Perhaps that will become a tradition also? I snigger softly! Air? Land? Sea? Or all three? We are not yet decided but one thing is certain - the game's afoot! God Save The King! Edited June 23, 2012 by per ardua ad ostentationem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kallisti Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 What what, I say spiffing to see you back old chap, will look forward to perusing your engineering prowess don'tcherknow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iain Ogilvie Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Most excellent - welcome aboard old chap... Iain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) This is such capital amusement! Once involved in a project, His Royal Highness (or 'Ted', as he has asked me to address him (but only when he has his hands oily and we are alone!)) is a powerhouse of energy and ideas. It falls to me to realise his dreams. Such an honour for a mere grammar school boy such as I. Our first task was to scour the scrapyards on Empire. Swift transport was needed, and swiftly! Over tea, we designed and built a pair of these. Bicycles with engines! We have leased the design to Mr Harley and Mr Davidson, the kitchen utensil people. They are rather unfamiliar with engine driven equipment, being accustomed to the manufacture of choppers, yet 'Ted' and I believe they can make a go of it. Or, as 'Ted' quipped, "they can make it go!" Such a wit in one so burdened with the cares of Empire. God save that man! Our king has not always been such a model of respectability. Oh dear me, no. He showed me a Daguerreotype of a lost love, painted on a machine he had commissioned for aerial exploration some time ago. It was a Eureka moment. Though the exploration of the atmosphere has proved entirely futile, we yet saw that many of the parts manufactured for the 'Lightning' could be utilised in our project. Dear friends, it is time to reveal our sphere of interest. Ted and Cousin Bill are engaged in a friendly rivalry in matters NAVAL. Friendly towards each other, of course, as family and fellow Royals, but perhaps less friendly to those ... republicans across the Channel. The French Navy is growing alarmingly and Ted wished to create a fast, very fast, battleship destroyer to counter the menace. He proposed a single-crewed vessel, heavily armed and relying on speed rather than armour for it's continuing existence on the contested briny. Remnants of the 'Lightning' aerial vessel - failed. Reborn in a more practical form with those useless wings removed. The King approves the biggest engine we could fit into the wee beastie. The steering tail is installed. The bridge. The workshop is becoming a hive of frenzied activity to which our blessed 'Ted' brings a calm and reassuring presence. When fully rigged the weight of the vessel will be borne on two of these floatation devices allowing her to skim the surface of the water at alarming speeds. Dear me, I have become so engaged in this work that the time has run entirely away with me. I have taken neither sustenance not refreshment since we began and am feeling quite wearied. Time for bed! God Save the King! Edited June 11, 2012 by per ardua ad ostentationem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 The work for, and with (Hmmm!) my Leige Lord continues. Seat cushions in rolled velvet, inspired by Mr Wells' time machine. Weapons! We decided to celebrate the centenary of Mr Congreve's attack on the French fleet at Boulogne by employing rockets. Light in weight and rapid firing, they seem perfectly suited to the prospective task in hand. Les Bateaux de Battaille of today are fairly well armoured, not to ROYAL Navy standards of course, but still tough. Not so tough as these warheads though, mwohahahah! Nitro-glycerine and thermite in the upper rocket and mouthwash and deodorant in the lower - a killing combination. Fitting out of the engine continues with little difficulty, as one would expect in the land that invented steam! The transmission housings are strangely reminiscent of an angry cat. The King approves. God Save the King! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buttoncup Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parabat Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Sir, I salute your most magnificent contraption, and armed with such wicked weaponry! It is truly worthy of his Royal Highness The King (Ted) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Headroom Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 I wish you Godspeed in your magnificent adventure. Huzzah! Trevor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Love it! Thank you. Sir, I salute your most magnificent contraption, and armed with such wicked weaponry! It is truly worthy of his Royal Highness The King (Ted) I shall pass on your compliments to his Majesty (But beware the lese-majesty, only those who have been warmly shaken by the greasy hand of the King, in private, are permitted such familiarity. He will have Scotland Yard onto you like fleas on a dog!) I wish you Godspeed in your magnificent adventure.Huzzah! Trevor Hip Hip Hooray! ****************************************************** I couldn't resist a brief exhibition of the craft almost fully assembled. Tomorrow we shall tear it apart once more and get the painters in. Not too shabby for two days' work, methinks! God Save the King, dip Him in strawberry conserve and make me into shortcake! Edited June 12, 2012 by per ardua ad ostentationem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kallisti Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 What what, good gracious, what a beast! Boil me nadgers and pickle me artifacts, this should show the beastly hun whats what, what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Stepping out of character for a moment (I am emphatically NOT an obsequious royalist in real life), I am really enjoying this. The freeform improvisation procss is turning out to be a fun way to break the block I've been feeling for a while. I've just switched to acrylic paints as a matter of policy, but don't really feel comfortable with them yet; this causes conflic with that pesky perfectionist personality resulting in the dreaded AMS. Chucking this fantasy water-boatman together is the perfect cure for pesky perfectionism. Tonight I shall prime and then I'll begin to spray and brush some colours on in the same slapdash manner. Honest, it's like being nine years old again! p.s. Hi Kallisti. Glad to have you aboard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iain Ogilvie Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 'Tis good fun isn't it Don! I'm surprised we haven't had a lot more entries for this GB - it's a brilliant bit of fun and AMS relief... And the King's Mechanism is looking rather spiffing Iain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 'Tis good fun isn't it Don!I'm surprised we haven't had a lot more entries for this GB - it's a brilliant bit of fun and AMS relief... And the King's Mechanism is looking rather spiffing Iain It may be a bit 'wild' for some tastes, and those splendid modellers who enjoy researching and accuratizing won't find much to work with here. Exactly the things which make it appeal to me, as it happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhaselden Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Don't be too sure about that! I think you've attached the port-side hi-pressure spanglesprocket upside down...hang on while I check my references. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) Don't be too sure about that! I think you've attached the port-side hi-pressure spanglesprocket upside down...hang on while I check my references. You are almost correct in your observations. However, you are unaware, perhaps that the spanglesprocket fitted on the port side is in fact ... a STARBOARD side spangle sprocket! Supply difficulties would have held up the build for days were it not for King Edward [may I add "The Great", your Majesty? - Thank you!], were it not for King Edward, the Great Engineer who proposed an inverted and transposed mounting bracket allowing us to utilise the stbd spanglesprocket which we had on hand (albeit with less than the normal number of rivets). So, yaa boo sucks to you old chum! God Save the Great Leader, HRH Teddy. (Oh I am overcome!) Edited June 13, 2012 by per ardua ad ostentationem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kallisti Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 What what, my dear sir you are forgetting that the Mark 3a replaced the hi-pressure spanglesproket with a reciprocating side arm to avoid the sinusoidal depleneration effects that augmented the foreplatcher to the point of destruction. Its astonishing how many people don't understand that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 What what, my dear sir you are forgetting that the Mark 3a replaced the hi-pressure spanglesproket with a reciprocating side arm to avoid the sinusoidal depleneration effects that augmented the foreplatcher to the point of destruction. Its astonishing how many people don't understand that! I surrender! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 This is the worst day of my life. I am not certain that I will be able to go on. We were so close. Such, at least, was my impression. The oily handshaking, the pet names - 'Ted' and ... ... 'Squirt'. All over. Finished. How could I deceive myself so? We had the painters in and a primer coat applied to the mechanism. I took some Daguerreotypes and, finding it difficult to focus on the grey shape in the workshops, had what I conceived to be a flash of inspiration. (A flash! Haha!) I turned to Ted, no, to his Highness and said that if we left the machine grey, the enemy would find it very difficult to observe its approach and almost impossible to range their guns upon the fast moving ghostly figure. Perhaps all warships should be painted grey, I ventured. He was not amused and damned me for a grammar school oik. He said that it was clear that I was no gentleman, nor ever would be. The vessel would be painted in a manner befitting the principles of warfare and I was never to speak his name again. I was mortified and seized a nearby gun in order to end my embarrassment. I aimed at my temple in great distress, pulled the trigger and ... missed. The gun, or rather spraygun, was still loaded with the grey primer and though I escaped untouched, our dear King was not so fortunate. He departed from the workshop muttering curses through his fetchingly grey beard. I dread our next meeting. Will he even return? God Save Us All! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Shumsky Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parabat Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Don, I've got to remember no to have a mouthful of coffee when I read this! Laptop nearly go the good news I laughed so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) Don, I've got to remember no to have a mouthful of coffee when I read this! Laptop nearly go the good news I laughed so hard! Thank you gentlemen, for your sympathy and understanding. I am deeply touched. Allow me to be frank with you about today's humiliations. I have received a communication from the palace. He sent ... a messenger boy! (My heart is breaking.) It is his wish that the craft be painted in 'Eau De Nil' overall with detailing in 'natural metal finish'. [is he taking the mick, the saucy cow!] Honestly he's such a fashion victim that the Art Nouveau crowd of hangers-on have him believing that Eau de Nil isn't simply pale snot green. AND, incidentally, pale green is far harder to see at sea than my 'grey battleship' idea! So much for letting them see you coming! (Actually he never was very good at maintaining eye contact, quite shifty at times. I blame his mother - thirty years of mourning? It's just not healthy for a growing boy to have a mum in permanent black.) Well, I'll do what 'Mister King' says and when he sees our gorgeous vessel looking like a used hanky, I hope he will be satisfied! Oooh I am so vexed! God Save the Queen! Edited June 14, 2012 by per ardua ad ostentationem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Learstang Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I say, absolutely smashing work indeed, old horse! Better than those rubbishy things the Colonials across the pond build, eh what? You should be able to give those awful Frenchies quite a good hiding with that magnificent machine [Editor's note - no offence to any of our French brethren and sisteren on the site - I'm just being in character as a jingoistic, early twentieth-century Monarchist]. Awfully splendid job, don't you know! Yours, etc. 18th Lord of Bottomsley, Admiral (very retired) Richard George August William Henry Averill-Jones, VC (posthumous), DSC, DSO, MBE, Order of the Bath, Order of the Shower with a Massage Afterwards, etc. God Save the King, the Queen, and whoever else needs saving, etc.! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parabat Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Oh dear, old fruit, to be the recipient of such a lowly caller as a messenger boy. I can but concur that HRH must be under the odious influence of his arte nouveau flunkies. However, your tireless persistence with this fabulous craft will prove it's worth a thousand fold once it has been put to sea and justly blooded in battle. At least he has gone with eau de nil and not 'Sea Foam Green', a colour an interfering wife would have chosen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 no offence to any of our French brethren and sisteren on the site - I'm just being in character as a jingoistic, early twentieth-century Monarchist Quite so, and may I say that considering the recent behaviour of my erswhile employer, I am leaning towards Fraternity, Liberty and Equality myself! not 'Sea Foam Green', a colour an interfering wife would have chosen. Reading between thos lines, do I detect a hint of bitterness? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parabat Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) Reading between thos lines, do I detect a hint of bitterness? Ha, no, just that faire laydies are seduced by imaginative names - eg. 'Ancient Ivory' - which we all know to be 'cream'! Or another example - 'Antique Victorian White' - also 'cream'! Edited June 15, 2012 by Parabat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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